THE TRAITORS EPISODE 4 - THE FUNERAL RECAP
Was this ever going to be just a reality competition show or was it always a show about competing realities?
“It’s just fiction,” a vacuous but prevalent dismissal akin to criticizing someone with his own name. - David Shields, Reality Hunger: A Manifesto
Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu, sipped from Parvati’s poisoned chalice that evening in Alan Cumming’s castle’s kitchen. The Turkish Soap Actress drunkenly slurred into her killer’s ear, “I love you, I would never think you’re a traitor,” enveloping her in an embrace. All within the first 3 minutes of the most riveting hour of television of the year, possibly the decade. Yes, it’s only January. Yes, it’s the same month as the epic Real Housewives of Salt Lake City finale. No, I’m not being hyperbolic. Everything wass working. If I want to briefly rain on the parade, the quality of reality programming this year could be due to the fact that, despite Comrade Bethenny Skinnygirl Frankel’s best efforts the genre remains un-unionized, thereby being a haven for the striking Hollywood writers last year. That could be true. But, out of every Dark Ages comes a Renaissance.
Traitors Dan and Phaedra Parks Esq are the first to walk into the dining room. They question wether Black Widow Parvati was able to get anyone to drink the poison. In confessional, Phaedra lets us know that she isn’t sure who would drink from that cup, because no one really likes Parvati. “However, the girls do like to have a strong drink,” she says.
Black Widow Parvati is next in. She lets the fellow Traitors know the Turkish Reality Star is toast…but then all of them are surprised when who else but Ekin-Su walks into breakfast. Finally, the Geriatric MP is the last to enter. “Everyone lives!” Phaedra Parks Esq exclaims with the same joy as declaring Santa is saved in a 90s Christmas movie.
In saunters Alan Cumming to tell the group that one of them had been murdered in plain sight and will die today. Ekin-Su is hilarious in the scene, especially because she literally can’t seem to remember being handed a rusty cup by one of the most infamous villains in Survivor history.
Before the Challenge, Larsa Pippen gathers the Housewives and Kevin for a little chat. She goes on about her Alpha Male Theory like she’s Sigmund Freud. Kevin seems to think he was the one poisoned because he ate balls of shrimp. Again I wonder how literally these cast members are taking the game, especially since Deontay left after Maks’ murder. Are the producers trolling them that hard?
The challenge is a funeral procession march the poisoned Faithful. The theme seems like a very purposeful nod to Dan’s iconic Big Brother funeralThey stop at Stations with questions that will give them clues as to who was the victim. The final three options are Ekin-Su, MJ, and Parvati. The three of them must get into caskets and the other castmates must drop black roses on who they think was poisoned. If they’re right, they get money. If they’re wrong, nothing. Everyone unanimously gets it wrong and goes for MJ. When it turns out Ekin-Su was the murdered player, everyone immediately starts turning on each other.
Larsa tries to convince the Housewives to follow her lead on the Alpha Male theory, and narrows it down to either CT or Dan. She’s so close, but ultimately chooses CT as her number one suspect. Sandra and her Braces snake her out to CT in classic Survivor form. Parvati decides it’s time to take a shot at the ‘Housewives’ but really it’s to Phaedra. The Gamers decided, because they’re Gamers, to form an alliance and pick off the Bravolebrities one-by-one. This has been building since Dan found out Phaedra Parks Esq was revealed to be his fellow traitor. What the Gamers don’t seem to realize is that there is strategy in Housewives. There is rules, albeit unwritten. The Bravo Stars biggest flaw in the game, however, seems to be their pride. They don’t seem to understand that the best way to move forward in this game, would be to vote as a block.
At the Roundtable, things get heated very quickly. Here are each of the mini-feuds that spark up in conversation:
Janelle vs Larsa
CT vs Larsa
MJ vs Kevin
Tamra vs Kevin
Parvati vs The Housewives
Phaedra vs Parvati
While all of those beefs gave some iconic reads, I want to focus on Parvati, Phaedra, and the concept of Housewives at large. A lesson that can be taken from the subtly of Housewifery is that no one is ever fighting about what they actually think they are fighting about. It’s always about something else. Something deeper. Something unsaid. What’s not being said here is Housewives have longevity. Like the gated Orange County community of Coto De Caza where the franchise began, Housewives are insulated in a covetable, privilege role even amongst reality stars. They have longevity in their contracts, fly private, and don’t have to eat rats. The Kardashians are the 1% of reality stars, Housewives are the upper class and the so-called Gamer alliance is the working class. This is basically a Revolution. Just kidding, but I’m sure I’ve made my point.
And this is where it is a shame that Parvati underestimated how cutthroat these women have to be in order to maintain their positions. They go to the dirt, and Parvati showed her cards to quickly by airing suspicions the Housewives are traitors and taking a shot at Phaedra. I think if Parvati had waited, she would have realized Phaedra Parks Esq would have made a stronger longterm ally than the overly confident Dan.
The Gamers Alliance vote out Larsa. I don’t think anyone actually thought Larsa was a traitor, but it seems like they want to play by Survivor rules. I hope they change strategies, not because it’s targeting my beloved Housewives, but because I think they’re all a little too smart to not realize there’s snakes amongst their own alliance.
The episode ends with Phaedra Parks Esq confronting Parvati (with Dan catching strays) in a speech that will go down as her second most iconic read of all time. I will transcribe below to end the piece, because what else is there to say?
“That wasn’t cool. For you to go in there and try to throw me under the bus. You’re like ‘oh they work together, they’re on a show together’. I’m like…are you kidding me? No one likes you Parvati. Everyone says you’re a fucking traitor. We can be in this game together. But you’re going to play fair. And if you don’t, you’re gonna have more problems than the Faithful. I’m playing very fair with you. So don’t do that to me. Both of you."
After Thoughts / Favorite Lines or Moments
Bye Deontay :-(
“Ekin-Su is the second-coming of Jesus Christ” - Phaedra Parks Esq.
“Larsa runs the Housewives, point blank” - Sandra Diaz-Twine
"You're telling me that's weird? Cheers? I think you're weird. I think how selfish you are is weird." Larsa Pippen
Sheree voting for John lol
Predictions
Murder: Trishelle
Banished: Parvati? Dan? Shereé!? I have no idea! I love this fucking show!